diagnosis...and God's love

Let's cover logistics and then we will get to the important stuff. I have been diagnosed with dysautonomia. Do yourself a giant favor and don't Wikipedia it, or you will end up in a disparaging state, much as I did yesterday morning. There are all types of the disease, and my precious and believing doctor filled me with hope of great quality of life. It is a central nervous system disorder that can affect you in many different ways. I am now on medications, a high water and high salt diet to combat my symptoms, which include severe stomach issues, these tingling rush feelings that last about 45 minutes to an hour, and lots of other things you don't really care about (so let's just skip ahead). The hard thing about the meds is that they will take some time to kick in and might need to be tweaked, etc. This requires patience, and the continuation of symptoms, which I must say have taken me to the darkest places of my life. Even last night I had one of the hardest evenings yet. I have struggled with small anxiety all of my life from the inability to watch a preview to a scary movie (much less the movie itself), to an occasional fear of a storm and the air raid sirens that go off in Birmingham at least once a week in a typical Alabama springtime season. Now I am having those feelings, but they have multiplied "times a million", as my sweet almost six year old would say. This anxiety is supposed to be a manifestation of the symptoms, but I believe there is a spiritual element to it too. Which brings me to the the only part that really matters.

Jesus is alive and he has forgiven our sins. Truly! I had yet another morning of waking up with tingles, feeling like I was coming out of my skin, so I came outside to stare at the sky and ask God for relief. I begged. I pleaded. But as usual I didn't know exactly what I was asking for. I watched my lizard friend scurry along his morning path and then picked up God's word. You want to know something crazy? I actually BELIEVED what it said! I have always believed in Jesus Christ and his death and resurrection. God's goodness, even, I rarely doubt. But my biggest struggle is believing that he actually loves me, that he actually cares for me. Yes, I know he cares for the tiny sparrow, but the sparrow is sweet and beautiful and so innocent in it's goings about...just like my sweet lizard friend. Me, I am a different story. I bet I could out sin most of you on your worst day. I have had a life of guilt and shame, in my eyes, even (I think) as a believer, so how could God truly love me? How could he truly care for me in this dark time? I have felt his presence through the prayers of so many faithful, I have seen him at work in all the encouragement and friendships and ministry opportunities I have had through my doctor's visits (stories I would love to share in another post that have made my husband, who is not even a crier, tear up). But still, there are times I have doubted his love for me; still I haven't truly been able to believe I am loved by such a righteous and just God.

This morning he answered my prayer for relief. I am still physically struggling this morning, but God is healing my heart. His word, his powerful and effective word, told me this morning what I had heard over and over, but walls seemed to be blocking my view. This morning God broke down walls, and he showered me with his love. He told me, through his word and his spirit, that it was not because I have been good enough, or that I have handled my illness the way I should that he loves me and cares for me. It is because of the blood and sacrifice of Jesus Christ. "Christ Jesus, whom God set forth to be a propitiation by his blood, through faith, to demonstrate his righteousness, because in his forebearance God had passed over the sins that were previously committed." Romans 3:24-25 Through Jesus he has passed over sins! (You may be saying, um, yeah Emily, haven't you ever been to an Easter service?), but I am screaming, Praise God! Glory! Hosanna in the highest! Oh God how my lips praise your holy name! I have been slinking to your throne, through shame, and asking things of you. But you have commanded me to come boldly to your throne of grace, because of your son. God, believe me, I am going to come running! I have been asking for things, trying to muster the belief, and you have been faithful in the midst of my struggle, but now I will ask KNOWING that you are with me always to the end of the age. Because of Jesus, You love me. You care for me. You have my best interest at heart. When I am in those darkest of times, you literally hold my life in your hands, when I pass through the waters you will be with me, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil because you are with me, and when I stand in the fiery furnace, you stand there with me. God, I not only believe in you, I believe in your unfailing and never ending love. I truly believe I am free, and as the breeze passes through this morning, my sins are forever passed away with it. You have heard my cries for help and you have come to my rescue. Your will be done in this hard season, and your name be lifted high above all else. Please help all who have the opportunity to pass by this blog, to believe you too, and to believe your love. Help our unbelief. Your will be done in this hard season, and your name be lifted high above all else.

...If you are reading this, please continue to pray for endurance through symptoms, please continue to pray for relief, and for healing, but most importantly healing of souls, which seems to come through these most difficult trials. I am so very ready for this one to be over, i will not lie, but he will sustain me to the end of it.