Wednesday, June 15, 2011

your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

This is not the way I would have started being an early riser who took time to meditate on God's word and commune with him, but I am ashamed to say it may not have happened any other way. I go to bed with a severe nervousness (even on medicine), wake through the night and fight to calm myself down, and then wake with a nervousness that won't allow me to rest anymore. For some reason, I get terribly nervous even writing it down, like it might make it stronger or last forever. That, I know, is a lie. The father of lies has led me to believe a lot of those kinds of things lately. Like, I am on a hopeless road, like I am crazy, like I have an illness that can't be cured. I feel like I am fighting in the deepest darkest valley of my life. When I look at the life of Job, I am reminded to see my suffering with some perspective, and in Paul's words the suffering of this life is light and momentary compared to the eternal glory that awaits us. Though I know this, it seems at times a heavy a load as I can bare. I have these spells that can last close to an hour, where chills seem to come over my body and I can't stop this terrible feeling, enough to play with my sanity a little. I am just praying for endurance and deliverance.

Lord, I beg you to take it from me, but if it is your will, then I pray for an extra measure to bear this load. God make me a pillar along the way; a light in a broken world. There are many faces that I would never have seen, many stories I would never have heard, many opportunities for prayer that would have passed me by, even for my children and my husband. (Please pray for my EEG technician, Janice, who has recently had a surgery that she is having difficulty recovering from.)Father of all creation, down to the tiny lizard now crossing my fence post, being exactly who you've created it to be, I am weak, and I need your strength. Would you be my strength today, and and would you give me peace? Would I boast in you as my life giver, and my sustainer? I am desperate to keep food down, to have an appetite, (oh how I took everything for granted), but if it doesn't come today , God will you give me what I need for today, and help me to trust you for tomorrow. I pray for answers. I pray against hopelessness, and unbelief and I pray that as the sun rises, today is a day where you are lifted high and your praise is on our lips. You are good.

"Fear not, for I am with you."

"This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."






3 comments:

Cakes by Delilah said...

Emily, you are a constant inspiration to me. You are a brilliant writer, photographer, artist, mother, wife, sister-in-law. I love how you challenge me as a believer. I know I have told you this, but you are constantly in my prayers. Your prayers are my prayers. The Lord is our strength. Only through Him can we get through the hard times. Satan is a lion prowling around looking for someone to devour. You are strong in Christ and when you feel weak, He will lift you up. My favorite chapter I would read when Bret and I were going through
our tough times was James 1. I hope it will bring you just as much comfort as it did me. I love you so much.

amy said...

sweet friend. he does bring beauty from ashes, doesn't He? when i read what you shared, first, my heart broke. i have been there. not from anxiety, but from near daily migraines that made me doubt the reason for my existence. and i just watched this http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=KDW7LWNX and heard louie giglio share much of what you did. one thing i know, my awareness of my need of the Lord was so intense during that season...as yours is. thank you for your tender vulnerability, and may healing come quickly.

mrssmithrlc said...

Emily,
I don't know you very well, but I do know what you're going through. I suffer from anxiety attacks as well. After much time, prayer, medication and support from my friends and family, I am now able to have "normal" days. However, some things still set off attacks and it's only through God's grace that I get through them.
Please let me know of anything I can do to help - friend to talk to, should to lean on, anything at all.
Yours,
Maria